or should I say the annuls of coping...dealing with what life dishes out...
I cannot deny that I am a mother...that happened 32 years ago and things have not changed...I'm still a mother and even a grandmother.
how do I come to peace about my far away children?
I have relatives in the far east...
the harder I hold on, the harder it will be for me...
it may not be important for my children to be within reasonable distance, but what about the grandchildren...
do I suppose that for them it is equally unimportant?
grama is someone that lives far away...how do I have a good relationship with them without heartache?
lots of people are in my position
I was in church today, even though I didn't want to go...if something bothers me, a tap is turned on and I cry and cry...and that is what happened today. I'm trying to let go and it is very painful...but I'm very glad that we went to church, because God has given us a wonderufl church family...and I have to come to the place where I let them in to replace the ache, the missing of my girls and their families...
at first I felt that no one understands me, but now I feel that some do...and that will help...I pray for the grace to deal succesfully with this long distance sorrow...
funny...I thought the sorrow of my life was the fact that my first husband left us...that has gone and now I feel this sorrow...I cannot be a real part of my grandchidren's lives, the ones far away, and I pray for this grace to deal succesfully with.
I don't think this makes much sense...but maybe in writing it out things will slowly unravel and peace will descend my heart...
we are going out to see some of the kids tonight...it's really cold, so I will wear my long Christmas coat.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Saturday, December 20, 2008
wow, a year later
i don't expect anyone to read this, so i'll just type away...
long distance sucks
it is Christmas again and the whole family is coming into town, or is here already...we are having a great time with the grandchildren...but are not really seeing the kids, who are busy shopping and doing stuff...
I'm thinking about the long distance relatives who we no longer know...no effort to speak of is made to maintain a friendship and so the relationship is relatives...what's that?
It worked that way for my mother's family, half of which moved to Ontario...it worked that way in my dad's family half of which is in BC...and now my three girls are moved far away, and even when they come here, I don't see them because they have so much catching up to do. It sucks. I am at an end.
As a grandmother, I would like to be part of my grandchildren's lives. It's wonderful when they come for a visit...I relly get to know them, because they are at my house for 3-4, 4-5 days...but then the rest of our lives I have to be content with phone calls, which are hard to understand what the little ones are saying, or the older ones don't have the time to talk...yes I could become more computer savy and use the eyeball, but that has been highly unsatisfying...like one of those computer pets...
To hardly ever have any normal times with my daughters is really killing me. I have a few choices, I suppose. Do I look for young women who need a mother to go shopping with, or go for coffee with...I suppose I could put an ad in the paper or look for an agency who needs older mother type figures. My nieces have their own mothers for that purpose. I have two wonderful daughter in laws, should I simply concentrate on who is around? I find that I'm becoming bitter. My first husband left us...that was terrible...now my girls are gone...Winnipeg has nothing to offer apparently...I'm really thinking I should go somewhere else myself, but then I see the two darling grandchildren here, close by, and I can't go anywhere else...I guess I have to suck it up...I'm just tired of being sad...on days like today, I wish life would go faster, so that I could just get it over with...
now how's that for a dismal blog?
I really can't do the old optimist thing tonight...
not too worried...no one will read this...this ought to really be going in my personal journal...let it just go down in the annals of the nature of this generation...this wide spread generation...this generation of broken families...
people will learn someday perhaps...some things are meant to be, simply because God made it that way and we shouldn't mess with it...family is meant to help each other out and when they move far apart, it's not too great and very difficult to maintain a good relationship...
this mother would like to spend time with her daughters...this grandmother would like to see her grandchildren grow up...it is not to be...
I'll leave this up a little while and then I'll erase it...because it's depressing me more...it's my midnight therapy...along with a lot of crying...so there now you know what I do for fun...
long distance sucks
it is Christmas again and the whole family is coming into town, or is here already...we are having a great time with the grandchildren...but are not really seeing the kids, who are busy shopping and doing stuff...
I'm thinking about the long distance relatives who we no longer know...no effort to speak of is made to maintain a friendship and so the relationship is relatives...what's that?
It worked that way for my mother's family, half of which moved to Ontario...it worked that way in my dad's family half of which is in BC...and now my three girls are moved far away, and even when they come here, I don't see them because they have so much catching up to do. It sucks. I am at an end.
As a grandmother, I would like to be part of my grandchildren's lives. It's wonderful when they come for a visit...I relly get to know them, because they are at my house for 3-4, 4-5 days...but then the rest of our lives I have to be content with phone calls, which are hard to understand what the little ones are saying, or the older ones don't have the time to talk...yes I could become more computer savy and use the eyeball, but that has been highly unsatisfying...like one of those computer pets...
To hardly ever have any normal times with my daughters is really killing me. I have a few choices, I suppose. Do I look for young women who need a mother to go shopping with, or go for coffee with...I suppose I could put an ad in the paper or look for an agency who needs older mother type figures. My nieces have their own mothers for that purpose. I have two wonderful daughter in laws, should I simply concentrate on who is around? I find that I'm becoming bitter. My first husband left us...that was terrible...now my girls are gone...Winnipeg has nothing to offer apparently...I'm really thinking I should go somewhere else myself, but then I see the two darling grandchildren here, close by, and I can't go anywhere else...I guess I have to suck it up...I'm just tired of being sad...on days like today, I wish life would go faster, so that I could just get it over with...
now how's that for a dismal blog?
I really can't do the old optimist thing tonight...
not too worried...no one will read this...this ought to really be going in my personal journal...let it just go down in the annals of the nature of this generation...this wide spread generation...this generation of broken families...
people will learn someday perhaps...some things are meant to be, simply because God made it that way and we shouldn't mess with it...family is meant to help each other out and when they move far apart, it's not too great and very difficult to maintain a good relationship...
this mother would like to spend time with her daughters...this grandmother would like to see her grandchildren grow up...it is not to be...
I'll leave this up a little while and then I'll erase it...because it's depressing me more...it's my midnight therapy...along with a lot of crying...so there now you know what I do for fun...
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